The Inefficiency of Craving Efficiency

I realized the other day on my way home from work that I spent the several minutes leading up to my exit on the highway seriously debating with myself whether it was technically more efficient to tap the breaks or thumb switch my cruise control off when the time came to decelerate. It was legitimately upsetting to me that there wasn’t a clear, logical answer to this question that obviously means absolutely fucking nothing. Why do I care? If there were a correct answer, the amount of energy saved is the entire reason the word ‘negligible’ exists. I eat once a day because it’s efficient. I literally just recently waited until my tire literally blew out on the highway before I got it changed. Yes, I just said ‘literally’ twice. That’s how literal it was.

It’s more like OCD than anything else. Most of my life, my efficiency… obsession.. hasn’t helped me in any tangible way. I’ve gotten very good at analyzing situations and ideas and words and actions and motivations and anything like that, so I then theoretically should know the proper response I should be making. I unconsciously attempt to take this efficiency into every aspect of my life and reading situations is a big part of that. I think that’s a large factor to why I love words as much as I do. The problem is, I struggle to have a normal life. Seriously. It’s hard for me to sit down to watch any movie unless I’m absolutely sure I know it’s good. It’s hard for me to go out unless I’m absolutely sure something bad isn’t going to happen (translation: it’s ALWAYS hard for me to go out). If I’m not, at that very moment, enjoying myself, the moment is being “wasted”. Lost efficiency. I can’t enjoy myself because I’m too worried about me enjoying myself. THAT is inefficient.

My step-dad asked me recently if I don’t apply for many jobs out of fear of rejection. It’s a fair question, but no. I think, on top of my bullshit efficiency-complex whatever, I have a fear of regret. That’s it. But it’s paralyzing. I don’t apply for these jobs because almost every single work experience I’ve had has had douche-nozzle human beings inserted somewhere in the scene, if not completely surrounding me. I’ve had so many bad experiences. And I know that’s exactly what work life is for most people, especially as young as I, but I can’t take it. This is nearly a third of my life that I’m accepting I’m going to spend at a job. I can’t willingly put myself in that situation. I need a place where I would at least know I’d like the work itself, but those apparently don’t exist in these parts. I would rather write down no answer at all than to choose the best wrong answer. Maybe that’s not an admirable view but I’m not the most mentally stable person right now. These people don’t scare me - they sadden me. That’s not a strong enough word..

Every time a certain woman speaks to me (the only person in this place who dislikes me), I am devastated that this is how she chose to live her life. That it’s acceptable to her to treat others so badly purely because it somehow makes her feel more powerful. Luckily, she has no authority over me, so I do some incredibly sexy and intelligent witty quips, but after she’s gone, it stays with me. The feeling doesn’t disappear. She has no power over me to tell me what to do, but she easily has the power to ruin my entire week with a single not-even-very-scathing remark. Just knowing that people like her are apparently common enough to appear working in a small town store. How many of them must there be out there? Is this what I’m supposed to be impressed by, humanity? Is this what I’m supposed to be proud of?

I know there are plenty of exceptional people out there. I hate to be so pessimistic but even if the ratio heavily favors the ‘good guys’, that still means a large piece of humanity is incredibly depressing to my eyes. If there are so many to pervade even small town Kansas life then it must mean it’s still relatively easy for somebody to turn out that way. What their lives must be like.. What the negative impact on others they must cause.. This is supposed to even be one of the ‘nicest’ places in the States (if you don’t count the bigotry, misogyny, and racism, anyway). It’s a truth of life I’ve known since I was little, but being shown that truth face to face is nearly more than I can bear.

So… A handicapping ‘efficiency’ fetish, paralyzing fear of regret, devastatingly intense feelings of disappointment in humanity from even the smallest of quips from the smallest of minds… I don’t remember Ross or Monica or Chandler ever going through this. I have no guide.

#efficiency #regret #fear