The Storm in my Mind

Things are starting to get bad in my head. It’s the feeling you get just before a big storm. The air itself feels electric. It’s already started to rain but you know the worst is coming.

I find as I grow older I can’t help but make the mental health sin of remembering every bad thing while brushing the good into a shadowed corner. I remember every insult. Every tragedy. Every slight. Every embarrassing moment or mistreatment by those close to me or not. The betrayals. The malicious laughs. The judging eyes. I can’t say I’ve even been a victim of these things more than the average person - I just can’t drag my eyes away from them to put them in the past.

Things are scary right now outside of my head as much as within. The world is growing darker than I’ve ever seen it. A BBC news video covered the recent mass shooting in California and it began ‘Just another day in the United States,”. I can feel myself turning. I have to push away thoughts of fear brought by simply noticing antisocial behavior from a coworker. I’ve never felt completely comfortable around many people at once, but the unease is growing.

People I once knew as decent folk and friends are posting blatantly hateful/racist/discriminatory/homophobic/threatening things on social media, obviously engulfed by fear as well. It seems every major hot topic from the past chose to boil over at the same time that seven new ones were introduced. All this hypocrisy from people who either claim to be Christian or claim to be caring, compassionate people and yet refuse to help people in need because of something as base as racism. I’ve known the United States hasn’t been nearly as great as it tries to brainwash its citizens into believing, but I never thought to see it sunk so low.

All of this is mixed into a cocktail I’m forced to drink, every day. And with each, it only grows more potent, as I seem to not know how to forget the bad things I witness and hear and read. The proof never lowers, and I’m never allowed to sober.

I’ve realized lately that my mental health probably isn’t as sound as I thought it was. I’m 90% sure I’m bipolar and just recently found that I likely have clinical anxiety. I have not nearly enough distractions for this. Even before shit hit the fan, I was stressed as hell from my own life. Or, lack thereof. One of the reasons I spend so much time watching things or gaming is that it shuts my mind the fuck up. I’m easily engrossed in things. I can be somewhere else. Someone else. Away from here. I don’t hate myself or my life, but I can’t say I like either. I just want to rest. Really, rest. My shoulders can’t keep holding all this weight while I’m trudging through sand.

#storm