Inside the Mind of A Gas Station Clerk

This is just a list I made at work of a few things that customers do to piss me off/ annoy me, and some observations and fun facts. ALL of these things I've personally experienced at the store at some point. Some have only happened once or twice, while some happen at least once a week. In almost all of these cases, I, of course, said nothing like what I wrote on here. Just hints at what I was thinking. Made for fun, mostly to just point out the humor in some customers stupidity.

1. Man comes in during monsoon weather, soaks himself with rain, tracks water inside, and all he buys is beef jerky. Really? It was that important? 2. Mexicans down here typically don't know the difference between "Is that all for you?" and "Anything else for you?". When I ask "Anything else for you tonight?", "Yes" and then stare at me, waiting, is NOT the correct response. Happens all the time. 3. People have a habit of walking inside and asking if we have a bathroom before they look. Especially women, for some reason. LOOK. It's not camouflaged. Big sign. Just LOOK. 4. Why is it that people with muddy shoes 'browse' our entire store before finally buying one item.. Like a hoho.. douche bags. 5. When I say we don't take checks, don't do cashback, or don't allow customers to prepay, I don't mean I can but I choose not to. It means it's literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to do on my register. STOP BLAMING ME. 6. I don't have the ability to sabotage your credit cards, so when it says 'denied', YOU'RE the dumbass, not me. 7. If you're 400+ pounds and have an oxygen tank in your car to help you breathe, you shouldn't be sending someone inside with your purse to buy a carton of cigarettes after 5 people help you up after you fell on our curb. 8. No, it was not my decision to watch FOX news, we can't change the channel. And don't you dare give me that look, Fox SUCKS. And No, nobody's ever asked that before. The only other question I've gotten about the TV is why the hell am I watching FOX. suck it. 9. When I'm the only one here and I'm standing at one of the two registers, COME TO MINE. How the hell can you be idiotic enough to think that I'm obviously using the register I'm NOT STANDING BY? 10. Unless you have $2500, know someone who can get a felony off my record, and know of a replacement job, NO, I will not sell you booze. No, I won't give it to you "just this once" OR believe you that you're really from Minessota like it says on your fake ID or that you left your ID at home. Really. Who does that? Ever??? 11. If we're out of an item, it's not my fault. In all reality, it's more likely YOUR fault if you've bought it from us previously. 12. Okay, there's no way 'you didn't know' that a $50 bill the size of Monopoly money was fake. Wipe your face off; You've got some crack on it. 13. Speaking of 'on your face', believe it or not, we do have a rule that we can't sell alcohol to drunk people. And no, I don't believe you that you're "not drunk" when you stumble in, drop your beer, twice, and literally have puke all over yourself. 14. Anyone who comes inside only to buy a powerball is an ASSHOLE, whether I'm busy or not. YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE! AGAIN! .. AND AGAIN! 15. NO, I'M NOT GAY! 16. Anyone who buys $40 in powerball, and insists that I give it to them in single tickets, (40 $1 tickets instead of 8 $5 tickets) is an ASSSSSSSSSSSSH0LE. 17. Yes, I wish we had Roberts Chocolate Milk too.. Get over it. 18. If I have 12 people in line, DO NOT ask me to go into the cooler to see if we have more 30 pks. of Natty Light, or ask me to go outside to exchange a propane tank for you. What do you not understand? I hope your conscience is telling your brain that you're a prick since I can't. 19. Yes, I do more than just glance at ID's, 15 year-olds. Don't think that I'm going to assume you "have to be" older than 21 if you actually hand your ID to me when I ask for it. I'm helping you out. Natty is disgusting anyway. (he really did look like he was 21) 20. OMG THIS JUST NOW HAPPENED (when I was at work writing this). A very nice looking black woman walked in, probably early 30's. She grabbed like 4 packs of gum and demanded that she needed incense. When I told her that we didn't carry incense, she said very loudly, "See I KNEW this was a fucked up store! I don't want the gum either!" Throws down the gum and stormed out, before yelling at her boyfriend to get the car and get her out of there. Okay, incense is not really that common at gas stations. Incense, nor any other substance will hide your lack of friends/a heart/ a boyfriend who gives a shit/a life/a personality/a sex life/ gum. Bitch. 21. Don't sneak in the back like "motherfuckin gollum" when I'm smoking in front. 22. Little old lady, you're as sweet as can be, but when I've got other customers, I can't show you where your back window wiper switch is, how to turn your headlights off, where your gas gauge is, or how to get your gas cap off. I'm sorry. 23. If you pressed the 'cancel' button, yes, your gas transaction is canceled. No, nobody can steal gas using your card after you leave. YES, IT'S CANCELED! THAT'S WHAT CANCEL MEANS! HOW MANY WAYS CAN I SAY IT. THE TRANSACTIONS ENDED, PERIOD. STOP ASKING ABOUT IT! 24. Yes, I know you're cute. No, I'm still not selling you alcohol. Move along. 25. Your total is $4.73 and you hand me a $100? I saw that $5 bill in your wallet, dick. At least ask me if I'd MIND giving you change for your big ass bill. 26. So... You want me to scan the half pint of Jose Quervo, but really give you the 750ml of Patrone for that price? No, drunk guy #32. I'm not "your boy". Go home. 27. It's not often that I recognize a stereotype before I ever hear someone joke about it or even mention it. But black people really do love their menthols. 28. If you run in the store and barf all over my toilet/stall/wall/floor, at least buy something afterwards. 29. No, I don't need any Zanex. 30. No, I don't need any weed. 31. No, I don't do coke. And YES, I saw you get those sunglasses off of our rack, and no, I don't believe you that you walked in with them; especially when the tags still on it, dumbass. 32. "Dude, you've got a joint behind your ear." 33. "Silencio, old man!". It wasn't my decision to charge $.75 for air. Don't call me the scum of the earth after a long rant about how you fought in two wars to protect this nation. Get off your senile pedestal. 34. I have to take all the silver out of the "take one penny" jar if someone lets me keep their $.15 change or something, because douchebags like to take $.19 out of it if their total is like $2.69 and they have 2 $1's, a $5, and 50 cents. Way to screw over every poor person who follows you asshole. 35. No, "Lotto" is not a synonym for "Powerball". Thanks. I guess I have to waste a buck to play this stupid game because you're a moron and told me the wrong thing. 36. No, we did NOT used to carry Club Keno 6 months ago. How do I know? Because I was working here then. No, it was not a few months before that. BECAUSE I WAS WORKING HERE THEN TOO. AND BEFORE YOU SAY IT, I WAS WORKING HERE THEN TOO! 37. If you spill a 44oz soda, at least wait until I'm finished cleaning that up before you spill a second 44oz. 38. If you must be on the phone while paying, especially when people are behind you, don't yell out weird shit like "HAHAHAOMG YOU'RE RAPING ME RIGHT NOW!!!". 39. If it takes you 5 minutes to find your damn credit card in your bigass purse, and then you decide to use cash when I have like 4 customers waiting on you.. DAMNIT. If you weren't an alcoholic mother and I didn't feel so sorry for you I would have yelled the shit out of you. And it takes a LOT to make me yell. 40. If the last 3 points before this was from the SAME PERSON on the SAME NIGHT, then you're my very least favorite customer. And unfortunately show up all the time. 41. If you loiter around nervously in the store for like 15 minutes when I've got shit to do, then try and buy alcohol with your tween friends with a fake ID, PISS THE HELL OFF. 42. No, you told me "$20 on pump 1", not "20 on pump 3". I remember because at first you thought it was pump 7 because our 1 looks like a 7. Someone has already pumped your gas on pump 1 and left. No, you're not getting a refund. What don't you understand about the term "Not liable"? YOU'RE A MORON. (happens all the time) 43. wtf. Do you people not have taste buds? Yes, we're out of Natty 30pks. Don't give me an attitude when it's people like you who are the reason we're always out. 44. BAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAahahhh. Yeah, you go right ahead and complain to my manager that I wouldn't sell you alcohol you stuck up bitch. All he'll do is give me a pat on the back for not selling to a chick who obviously has a fake ID. Go run and tell your daddy, whom you probably still live with, and I'm sure he'll buy you another BMW and make it all better. 45. If you interrupt my smoke break, I don't hate you. I'm just annoyed at the situation; I know it's not your fault. If you interrupt me a second time right after I light another 2 minutes later because you "forgot something" THEN I hate you. 46. No, Mr. Manager, Actually I'M the fastest on the register. No, I will not sell you my coin collection; stop asking. 47. I never flush the toilets with my hand. Always with my foot. Even the urinals. *Update* 48. If you send your kid in with gas money and tell him to prepay the pump, maybe you should check a fourth time that he has the correct amount. Otherwise he could walk out before I've counted all the $1 bills he gave me and discovered that there was only $18 instead of $20 like he said to prepay. And then maybe you should apologize to me, rather than just saying your kid told YOU he was sorry when he discovered 2 $1 bills between his seat and the car door, after you yelled at me and demanded I give you $2 more in gas because you checked 3 times. Well, I only checked twice and I'm still smarter than you. 49. If your toddler child weighs probably almost as much as me, DON'T give in to her sweets demands! DAMNIT. There's a point when it stops being 'too caring parent' and becomes 'not caring parent'. Okay, probably not close to me, but she was like maybe 3 and probably weighed close to 70 lbs. Like 3 ft tall.. Fattest toddler I've ever seen. And the pigtails didn't help. 50. Be cautious of your surroundings while pumping gas, ladies. I went out to change trash one night right by where 2 girls had parked and were fueling up. The one pumping gas had her back turned while the other was talking to her through the window. RIGHT as I walked up to the pump, the one pumping said "OMG I have a MASSIVE wedgie!" Just as she turned around. Epitome of awkward. and hilarious.

#gasstation #clerk #list